The subject of parental favoritism has been trending lately, with a number of think pieces popping up over the last several months on the topic.

While many parents are often quick to declare they don’t have a favorite, a number of kids — and adult siblings — may beg to differ.

In fact, the effect parental favoritism can have on kids, whether real or perceived, is a topic that’s been of growing concern.

Research has found that the effect isn’t great, showing that children who perceive themselves as being the least favorite are more likely to do drugs and use alcohol and cigarettes in their teenage years. 

This is especially true when the family unit isn’t otherwise very close.

And tension between siblings seems to increase when a favored child is in the mix.

Parents may also be surprised to learn that perception appears to hold a greater weight than reality in this case.

In other words, it doesn’t matter so much if Mom or Dad actually have a favorite. All that really counts is if a child thinks they do.

A child's personality and behavior can also affect how parents treat them. Parents behave more affectionately toward children who are pleasant and affectionate, and they direct more discipline toward children who act out or engage in deviant behavior. Because girls tend to be warmer and less aggressive than boys, parents generally favor daughters over sons (but only in non-patriarchal cultures).

Favoritism is also more likely when parents are under a great deal of stress (e.g., marital problems, financial worries). In these cases, parents may be unable to inhibit their true feelings or monitor how fair they're behaving. Evolutionary theorists argue that when emotional or material resources are limited, parents will favor children who have the most potential to thrive and reproduce.

Unfortunately, the consequences of parental favoritism are what you might expect — they're mostly bad. Disfavored children experience worse outcomes across the board: more depression, greater aggressiveness, lower self esteem, and poorer academic performance. These repercussions are far more extreme than any benefits the favored children get out of it (negative things just have a stronger impact on people than positive things). And it's not all rosy for the favored children either — their siblings often come to resent them, poisoning those relationships.

Many of these consequences persist long after children have grown up and moved out of the house. People don't soon forget that they were disfavored by their parents, and many people report that being disfavored as a child continues to affect their self-esteem and their relationships in adulthood.

To make matters worse, parents are even more likely to play favorites once their children are grown up, sustaining the toxic family dynamics (e.g., bad feelings, sibling resentment). The causes of the favoritism, however, are a bit different once the children become adults. Parents still favor daughters and less deviant children, but they also give preference to children who live closer, share the parents' values, and, not surprisingly, have provided the parents with emotional or financial support.

It's important to keep in mind that parental favoritism is only problematic when there are consistent and arbitrary differences in treatment. In cases where favoritism is unavoidable (e.g., with newborns, needier children), parents who explain its necessity to the other children can usually offset any negative consequences.

Interestingly, children's well-being is highest when parents exhibit no favoritism toward anyone, even higher than the well-being of children who are favored by their parents. This disparity may occur because favored children have to contend with sibling hostility, or perhaps because families that practice favoritism tend to be dysfunctional in other ways.

Nearly all parents worry about whether they play favorites. But even when parents vow to treat their children equally, they soon find that this is just not possible. Every child is different and parents must respond to their unique characteristics appropriately. You shouldn't react to a 3-year-old's tantrums in the same way as you would to a 13-year-old's. You can't deal with aggressive children in the same way as passive children. Even identical twins can't be treated identically. When it comes down to it, every child wants to feel like they're different, not clones of their siblings. The best parents can do is stay aware of any differential treatment they give and try to be as fair as possible.

WHAT YOU CAN DO

Levin says the most important thing a parent can do if a child says they believe another is the favorite is to acknowledge their feelings.

“Don’t just say, ‘I don’t have a favorite’ or ignore it. If that’s what they’re feeling, it’s coming from somewhere and it’s their perspective. So it’s important not to dismiss it,” she said.

Instead, she says to talk about it. “Genuinely validate how they’re feeling and then problem-solve.”

She explained that what the child may really be saying is that they’d like more time and attention.

Perhaps they could use a one-on-one day, where you make an effort to engage in shared interests with them.

“Specifically asking the child what they need will give them the chance to tell you,” Levin said.

Vaziri Flais agrees, advising, “Don’t ignore the outbursts or write them off as your kid just being a teenager. There needs to be a cooling-off period for sure. When things calm down, it’s good to listen to what your child is trying to tell you.”

Taking the time to hear your child when they express a perception of favoritism, acknowledging what they’re feeling, and working together to find ways to help them not feel that way may be the best approach to protecting relationships with all children in the future.

Levin also encourages parents to “check in with yourself.”

“Whether it’s said or unsaid, when there’s favoritism, kids often will feel it. If it’s true, what do you need to do as a parent to have a better relationship with your child?” she said.

This may require parents to step out of their comfort zones and work to take an interest in the things their kid loves — even if they don’t particularly see the appeal themselves.

Sometimes a little effort can make a big difference in bringing parents and kids closer together.

I invite all of us parents to distant favoritism from our lives, as it sends negative messages to our children. We should avoid such practice even in our hearts as they will be able to pick up on it from our behavior, so as to not let our children miss the feeling of importance or sense rejection.

References: https://www.healthline.com/ and https://www.psychologytoday.com/

There are lots of reasons some parents like to work solo in the kitchen. It’s sometimes quicker. It’s less messy. It’s often just … easier. But when families cook together, the benefits to everyone make it more than worth the extra cleanup. If you’re not in the habit of cooking together, we have three reasons you’ll want to. And if you’re already cooking together as a family — awesome. Here’s why you should keep up the good work:

First and foremost, cooking together gives families a time to share, bond and work together. The reality of today’s family is that most of us are busy, with work, school, kids’ activities, homework and other responsibilities gobbling up most of our time. Setting aside a time where the entire family can work together to create a meal gives us a chance to pause, catch up and just connect with each other.

If you’re able to set aside a specific meal or two that you always make as a family, it’ll also give everyone a “together” time to look forward to. It could be a pizza Friday, Sunday brunch or whatever works best for your family. You could also pick a weekend day to work together to prepare a meal or two for later in the week.

Kids can learn a range of skills in the kitchen, even when they’re exploring on their own. But many of the “soft skills” kids can learn really only come out when they’re cooking with others. Kids — from preschoolers all the way up to teens — can learn social skills, communication skills, collaboration and more when you cook together as a family.

The skills needed to prepare and cook foods will last your kids a lifetime. Skills include:

• following a recipe
• measuring
• preparing food (chopping, slicing, mincing, stirring, mixing, peeling, cracking an egg, etc.)
• cooking techniques (baking, boiling, frying, toasting, simmering, sautéing, etc.)
• cleaning up

But what if you’re just not a good cook? It’s OK to let your kid know you’re learning too! If there’s a certain technique you’re unsure about, check YouTube (seriously, you can learn anything on YouTube) or cooking websites together. This way, kids can also learn valuable lessons about recognizing one’s strengths and weaknesses, taking initiative to learn new things, and using technology to seek out information.

Here is a list of healthy recipes from Taste of Home that you can make together with the whole family. 

• 1/4 cup creamy peanut butter
• 2 tablespoons honey
• 1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
• 2 tablespoons miniature semisweet chocolate chips
• 4 slices whole-wheat bread
• 1 medium banana, thinly sliced

• Mix peanut butter, honey and cinnamon; stir in chocolate chips. Spread over bread. Layer two bread slices with banana slices; top with remaining bread. If desired, cut into shapes using cookie cutters.

1 sandwich: 502 calories, 22g fat (6g saturated fat), 0 cholesterol, 394mg sodium, 69g carbohydrate (36g sugars, 7g fiber), 15g protein. 

• 6 tablespoons 2% milk
• 2 tablespoons canola oil
• 6 tablespoons all-purpose flour
• 3 tablespoons sugar
• 3 tablespoons quick-cooking oats
• 1/2 teaspoon baking powder
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 2 tablespoons semisweet chocolate chips
• 1 tablespoon creamy peanut butter

• Spray a 12-ounce coffee mug with cooking spray. Combine milk and oil in the mug. Add flour, sugar, oats, baking powder and salt; stir to combine. Add chocolate chips; dollop center with peanut butter.
• Microwave on high until a toothpick inserted in center comes out clean, 2-1/2 minutes. Serve immediately.

1 mug cake: 862 calories, 46g fat (9g saturated fat), 7mg cholesterol, 945mg sodium, 105g carbohydrate (56g sugars, 5g fiber), 14g protein.

• 2-1/2 cups all-purpose flour
• 2/3 cup baking cocoa
• 2 teaspoons baking soda
• 2 cups refrigerated unsweetened coconut milk
• 1-1/2 cups sugar
• 1/3 cup canola oil
• 2 tablespoons cider vinegar
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• FROSTING:
• 1 cup dairy-free margarine, softened
• 3 cups confectioners' sugar
• 1/3 cup baking cocoa
• 2 teaspoons vanilla extract

• Preheat oven to 350°. In a large bowl, whisk flour, cocoa and baking soda. In a small bowl, whisk coconut milk, sugar, oil, vinegar and vanilla. Stir into dry ingredients just until moistened.
• Fill paper-lined muffin cups half full. Bake until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean, 15-20 minutes. Cool 10 minutes before removing from pans to wire racks to cool completely.
• For the frosting, in a large bowl, beat margarine until light and fluffy. Beat in confectioners' sugar, cocoa, milk and vanilla. Frost cupcakes.

1 cupcake: 265 calories, 12g fat (2g saturated fat), 0 cholesterol, 194mg sodium, 40g carbohydrate (27g sugars, 1g fiber), 2g protein.

• 2/3 cup butter, softened
• 1-3/4 cups sugar
• 2 large eggs, room temperature
• 1-1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract
• 2-1/2 cups all-purpose flour
• 2-1/2 teaspoons baking powder
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1-1/4 cups 2% milk
• 2 cups coarsely crushed Oreo cookies

• 1 cup butter, softened
• 3 cups confectioners' sugar
• 2 tablespoons 2% milk
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 1-1/2 cups finely crushed Oreo cookie crumbs
• 24 mini Oreo cookies

• Preheat oven to 350°. Line 24 muffin cups with paper liners.
• In a large bowl, cream butter and sugar until light and fluffy, 5-7 minutes. Add eggs, 1 at a time, beating well after each addition. Beat in vanilla. In another bowl, whisk flour, baking powder and salt; add to creamed mixture alternately with milk, beating well after each addition. Fold in crushed cookies.
• Fill prepared cups three-fourths full. Bake 20-22 minutes or until a toothpick inserted in center comes out clean. Cool in pans 10 minutes before removing to wire racks to cool completely.
• In a large bowl, combine butter, confectioners' sugar, milk and vanilla; beat until smooth. Fold in cookie crumbs. Pipe or spread frosting over cupcakes. If desired, sprinkle with additional cookie crumbs and garnish with mini Oreo cookies.

1 cupcake: 411 calories, 19g fat (10g saturated fat), 51mg cholesterol, 346mg sodium, 58g carbohydrate (40g sugars, 2g fiber), 4g protein.

• 3 large eggs, room temperature
• 1 cup sugar
• 3/4 cup canned pumpkin
• 3/4 cup all-purpose flour
• 1-1/2 teaspoons pumpkin pie spice
• 1 teaspoon baking powder
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• FILLING:
• 1/2 cup heavy whipping cream
• 4 ounces cream cheese, softened
• 1/2 cup confectioners' sugar
• GANACHE:
• 1 cup dark chocolate chips
• 1/2 cup heavy whipping cream

• Preheat oven to 375°. Line bottoms of 2 greased 8-in. round baking pans with parchment; grease paper.
• In a large bowl, beat eggs on high speed 3 minutes. Gradually add sugar, beating until thick and lemon-colored. Beat in pumpkin. In another bowl, whisk flour, pie spice, baking powder and salt; fold into the egg mixture. Transfer to prepared pans, spreading evenly.
• Bake until a toothpick inserted in center comes out clean, 15-20 minutes. Cool in pans 10 minutes before removing to a wire rack; remove the paper. Cool completely.
• For the filling, in a large bowl, beat cream until stiff peaks form. In another large bowl, beat cream cheese and confectioners' sugar until blended; fold in whipped cream. Spread between cake layers. Refrigerate at least 1 hour.
• Place chocolate in a small bowl. In a small saucepan, bring cream just to a boil. Pour over chocolate; let stand 5 minutes. Stir with a whisk until smooth; cool slightly. Press plastic wrap onto surface of ganache; cool to room temperature. Spread over cake. Refrigerate until serving.

1 slice: 331 calories, 18g fat (11g saturated fat), 79mg cholesterol, 150mg sodium, 42g carbohydrate (34g sugars, 2g fiber), 5g protein.

• 2 cups crumbled soft coconut macaroons (about 12 cookies)
• 1 cup ground almonds
• 3 tablespoons butter, melted
• 1/2 cup heavy whipping cream
• 1 package (8 ounces) reduced-fat cream cheese, softened
• 1/4 cup plus 2 tablespoons honey, divided
• 2 teaspoons orange juice
• 1/4 teaspoon almond extract
• 1/4 cup apricot preserves
• 2 medium mangoes, peeled and thinly sliced
• 2 tablespoons lemon juice
• 1/2 cup sliced fresh strawberries
• 1/2 cup fresh blackberries

• Preheat oven to 350°. Place cookies, almonds and melted butter in a food processor; process until blended. Press onto bottom and up sides of an ungreased 11-in. a fluted tart pan with removable bottom. Place pan on a baking sheet.
• Bake until crust is golden brown, 12-14 minutes. Cool completely on a wire rack.
• For the filling, in a small bowl, beat whipping cream until soft peaks form. In another bowl, beat cream cheese and 1/4 cup honey until combined. Beat in orange juice and extract. Fold in whipped cream. Spread over crust.
• For the glaze, in a small saucepan, mix preserves and remaining honey. Cook and stir over low heat until melted; press through a strainer. Toss mangoes with lemon juice. Arrange mango slices over filling; add strawberries and blackberries to form the eyes and mouth. Brush with glaze. Store in the refrigerator.

1 piece: 311 calories, 18g fat (9g saturated fat), 39mg cholesterol, 155mg sodium, 34g carbohydrate (26g sugars, 3g fiber), 6g protein.

• 1/2 pound bacon strips, coarsely chopped
• 6 boneless skinless chicken thighs
• 1 package (20 ounces) frozen corn
• 2 cans (15 ounces each) white kidney or cannellini beans, rinsed and drained
• 2 cans (15 ounces each) black beans, rinsed and drained
• 2 cans (11 ounces each) diced tomatoes and green chiles
• 1 can (4 ounces) chopped green chiles
• 1 cup reduced-sodium chicken broth
• 1 tablespoon chili powder
• 1 teaspoon ground cumin
• 1 teaspoon onion powder
• 1 teaspoon minced garlic
• 1 envelope (1 ounce) ranch salad dressing mix
• 12 ounces cream cheese
• 2 cups shredded cheddar cheese
• Cubed avocado and sliced jalapeno, optional

• Select saute or browning setting on a 6-qt. electric pressure cooker; adjust for medium heat. Cook bacon until crisp, 5-6 minutes; remove bacon and reserve. Brown chicken in bacon drippings until lightly browned, 5-6 minutes. Return bacon to pan; top with corn and next 11 ingredients in the order listed.
• Lock lid; close pressure-release valve. Adjust to pressure-cook on high for 15 minutes. Let pressure release naturally for 10 minutes; quick-release any remaining pressure. Stir in shredded cheese until melted. If desired, serve with avocado and jalapeno.

1 cup: 387 calories, 21g fat (10g saturated fat), 73mg cholesterol, 1033mg sodium, 29g carbohydrate (2g sugars, 6g fiber), 20g protein.

• 3 cans (8 ounces each) unsweetened pineapple chunks, drained
• 1/2 cup plain or coconut Greek yoghurt
• 2 tablespoons plus 1/2 cup chopped fresh cilantro, divided
• 3 tablespoons lime juice, divided
• 3/4 teaspoon salt, divided
• 1/4 teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes
• 1/8 teaspoon chilli powder
• 4 boneless skinless chicken breast halves (6 ounces each)
• 3 cups fresh cauliflower florets (about 1/2 small cauliflower)
• 1 tablespoon canola oil
• 1 small red onion, finely chopped
• Toasted sweetened shredded coconut or lime wedges, optional

• For marinade, place 1 can pineapple, yoghurt, 2 tablespoons each cilantro and lime juice, 1/4 teaspoon salt, pepper flakes and chilli powder in a food processor; process until blended. In a large bowl, toss chicken with marinade; refrigerate, covered, 1-3 hours.
• In a clean food processor, pulse cauliflower until it resembles rice (do not overprocess). In a large skillet, heat oil over medium-high heat; saute onion until lightly browned, 3-5 minutes. Add cauliflower; cook and stir until lightly browned, 5-7 minutes. Stir in 1 can pineapple and the remaining lime juice and salt; cook, covered, over medium heat until cauliflower is tender, 3-5 minutes. Stir in remaining cilantro. Keep warm.
• Preheat grill or broiler. Drain chicken, discarding marinade. Place chicken on an oiled grill rack over medium heat or in a greased foil-lined 15x10x1-in. pan. Grill, covered, or broil 4 in. from heat until a thermometer reads 165°, 4-6 minutes per side. Let stand 5 minutes before slicing.
• To serve, divide cauliflower mixture among 4 bowls. Top with chicken, remaining 1 can pineapple and, if desired, coconut and lime wedges.

• 1-1/2 pounds boneless skinless chicken breasts, cut into 1-inch pieces
• 1 tablespoon sesame oil
• 1/4 cup honey
• 1/4 cup soy sauce or gluten-free tamari soy sauce
• 1/4 cup water
• 3 garlic cloves, minced
• 1/4 teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes
• 3 teaspoons cornstarch
• 2 tablespoons cold water
• 1 tablespoon sesame seeds
• Hot cooked rice
• Thinly sliced green onions, optional

• Select saute or browning setting on a 6-qt. electric pressure cooker. Adjust for medium heat; add sesame oil. When the oil is hot, brown chicken in batches. Press cancel. Return all to the pressure cooker. In a small bowl, whisk honey, soy sauce, water, garlic and pepper flakes; stir into the pressure cooker. Lock lid; close pressure-release valve. Adjust to pressure-cook on high for 4 minutes.
• Quick-release pressure. In a small bowl, mix cornstarch and water until smooth; stir into the pressure cooker. Select saute setting and adjust for low heat. Simmer, stirring constantly, until thickened, 1-2 minutes. Serve with rice. Sprinkle with sesame seeds and, if desired, green onions.

1 serving: 311 calories, 9g fat (2g saturated fat), 94mg cholesterol, 1004mg sodium, 20g carbohydrate (17g sugars, 0 fiber), 37g protein.

• 3 cups shredded cooked chicken
• 1 can (15 ounces) black beans, rinsed and drained
• 1 can (10-1/2 ounces) condensed cream of chicken soup, undiluted
• 1 can (10 ounces) green enchilada sauce
• 1 can (4 ounces) chopped green chiles
• 1/4 cup minced fresh cilantro
• 1 tablespoon lime juice
• 9 corn tortillas (6 inches)
• 3 cups shredded Colby-Monterey Jack cheese
• Optional: minced fresh cilantro, lime wedges, salsa and sour cream

• Preheat oven to 350°. In a large bowl, combine the first 6 ingredients. Spread 1/4 cup chicken mixture over bottom of a Dutch oven. Top with 3 tortillas, overlapping and tearing them to fit, a third of the chicken mixture and a third of the cheese. Repeat twice.
• Bake, covered, until a thermometer reads 165°, 50-60 minutes. If desired, serve with additional cilantro, salsa, sour cream and lime wedges.

1 serving: 541 calories, 27g fat (15g saturated fat), 116mg cholesterol, 1202mg sodium, 36g carbohydrate (2g sugars, 6g fiber), 39g protein.

• 2-1/2 cups ketchup
• 2/3 cup white vinegar
• 2/3 cup honey
• 1/2 cup molasses
• 2 to 3 tablespoons hot pepper sauce
• 1 teaspoon chilli powder
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce
• 1/2 teaspoon onion powder
• 1/2 to 1 teaspoon liquid smoke, optional

• In a large saucepan, combine all ingredients; bring to a boil. Reduce heat; simmer, uncovered, 30 minutes, stirring occasionally.

2 tablespoons: 55 calories, 0 fat (0 saturated fat), 0 cholesterol, 323mg sodium, 15g carbohydrate (15g sugars, 0 fiber), 0 protein.

• 2-1/2 pounds chicken wings
• 1/2 cup all-purpose flour
• 2 teaspoons salt
• 1/4 teaspoon pepper
• Oil for deep-fat frying
• 2 tablespoons butter, melted
• 1-1/2 teaspoons lemon-pepper seasoning
• 2 tablespoons minced fresh parsley

• Cut wings into 3 sections; discard wing tip sections. In a large bowl, combine flour, salt and pepper. Add wings, a few at a time, and toss to coat.
• In an electric skillet or deep fryer, heat oil to 375°. Fry wings, a few at a time, until no longer pink, 3-4 minutes on each side. Drain on paper towels. In a large bowl, combine butter and seasoning. Add wings; toss to coat. Sprinkle with parsley. Serve immediately.

1 piece: 107 calories, 9g fat (2g saturated fat), 18mg cholesterol, 92mg sodium, 1g carbohydrate (0 sugars, 0 fiber), 5g protein.

• 1/2 cup finely chopped onion
• 1/3 cup finely shredded cheddar cheese
• 1/4 cup minced fresh cilantro
• 2 garlic cloves, minced
• 2 teaspoons finely chopped jalapeno pepper
• 1 teaspoon ground cumin
• 1 teaspoon paprika
• 3/4 teaspoon kosher salt
• 1/4 teaspoon freshly ground pepper
• 1-1/2 pounds ground chicken
• 4 hamburger buns, split
• 1/2 cup guacamole
• Optional toppings: sliced red onion, lettuce leaves, salsa and sour cream

• In a large bowl, combine the first nine ingredients. Add chicken; mix lightly but thoroughly. Shape into four 3/4-in. thick patties.
• Moisten a paper towel with cooking oil; using long-handled tongs, rub on grill rack to coat lightly. Grill burgers, covered, over medium heat 7-8 minutes on each side or until a thermometer reads 165°. Serve on buns with guacamole and additional toppings as desired.

• 2 pounds boneless skinless chicken thighs
• 1 tablespoon canola oil
• 1 tablespoon all-purpose flour
• 1 can (8 ounces) tomato sauce
• 1 tablespoon taco seasoning
• 1 teaspoon garlic powder
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1/8 teaspoon pepper
• 12 corn tortillas (6 inches) or taco shells, warmed
• Optional toppings: shredded cheddar cheese, shredded lettuce and chopped tomatoes

• Place chicken in a Dutch oven; add water to cover. Bring just to a boil. Reduce heat; simmer, uncovered, for 10-12 minutes or until a thermometer inserted in chicken reads 170°.
• Using tongs, remove chicken from pan; reserve 1/2 cup cooking liquid. Cool chicken slightly. Shred when cool enough to handle.
• In a large saucepan, heat oil over medium heat. Stir in flour until smooth; cook and stir until golden brown, about 2 minutes. Gradually whisk in reserved cooking liquid. Bring to a boil; cook and stir 2 minutes longer.
• Stir in tomato sauce and seasonings; return to a boil. Stir in shredded chicken; heat through, stirring occasionally. Serve in tortillas with toppings, if desired.

• In a small container or Mason jar, combine oats, milk, cocoa, peanut butter and maple syrup. Seal; refrigerate overnight. If desired, top with additional peanut butter and mini chocolate chips.

Regardless of what recipe that you’d like to try, the most important thing is making them together with the family - happily and wholeheartedly. A family who cooks together, stays together. 

References: Tocaboca.com and Tasteofhome.com (All images are from Tasteofhome.com)

Spanking is one of the most widely debated parenting topics. While most paediatricians and parenting experts don't recommend spanking, the vast majority of parents around the world admit to spanking their kids.

For many parents, spanking can feel like the fastest and most effective way to change a child's behaviour. And it often works in the short-term. But, studies show spanking has long term consequences for kids. 

Spanking remains controversial because it’s a difficult subject to study. Researchers don’t have an exact way to differentiate between a family’s use of more severe corporal punishment and basic spanking. The causes and effects of spanking are also incredibly subjective. 

The Risks of Spanking 

Children who are spanked also tend to lie.  

Think about it. To a child, it makes sense to lie to a parent to dodge a painful or embarrassing consequence or avoid a parent’s disappointment. A little white lie—or even a big one—seems like the easier choice. 

Lying and spanking can become a vicious cycle. Lying can further motivate a parent to use spanking as a consequence, can undermine parent-child trust, and, ultimately, can damage the parent-child relationship by making children feel unworthy of our love. 

The Oxford Learner’s Dictionary’s definition of spanking is “a series of hits on the bottom, given to somebody, especially a child, as a punishment.”

We certainly don’t want our children hitting us, or anyone else. Most parents would be appalled to get a call from school saying their son or daughter had been hitting kids on the playground. But from a child’s perspective, there’s no difference between being spanked and hitting a friend for taking away a toy. 

Despite even the best intentions, spanking teaches that hitting and aggression are appropriate ways to resolve conflict and vent frustration. So studies understandably show that children hit through spanking are prone to aggression. 

If a spanked child is showing aggression, it’s time to consider spanking’s harmful side effects.

A 2009 study from the University of New Hampshire said that children who were spanked had lower IQs than those who weren’t. A similar decade-old study from Duke University also concluded that children who were spanked had lower scores on tests that measured thinking when they were 3. The study went on to say “when parents use physical discipline through childhood, their children experience more behaviour problems in adolescence.” 

While advocates of a spanking usually insist there is a difference between spanking and abuse, it’s important to note these studies did look solely at spanking and not other forms of corporal abuse.

Ways to Discipline Your Child Without Spanking

Here are some tips from the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) on the best ways to help your child learn acceptable behaviour as they grow. 

1. Show and tell.

Teach children right from wrong with calm words and actions. Model behaviours you would like to see in your children.

2. Set limits.

Have clear and consistent rules your children can follow. Be sure to explain these rules in age-appropriate terms they can understand.                        

3. Give consequences.

Calmly and firmly explain the consequences if they don't behave. For example, tell her that if she does not pick up her toys, you will put them away for the rest of the day. Be prepared to follow through right away. Don't give in by giving them back after a few minutes. But remember, never take away something your child truly needs, such as a meal.

4. Hear them out. 

Listening is important. Let your child finish the story before helping solve the problem. Watch for times when misbehaviour has a pattern, like if your child is feeling jealous. Talk with your child about this rather than just giving consequences. 

5. Give them your attention.

The most powerful tool for effective discipline is attention—to reinforce good behaviours and discourage others. Remember, all children want their parent's attention. 

6. Catch them being good.

Children need to know when they do something bad--and when they do something good. Notice good behaviour and point it out, praising success and good tries. Be specific (for example, "Wow, you did a good job putting that toy away!"). 

7. Know when not to respond. 

As long as your child isn't doing something dangerous and gets plenty of attention for good behaviour, ignoring bad behaviour can be an effective way of stopping it. Ignoring bad behaviour can also teach children the natural consequences of their actions. For example, if your child keeps dropping her cookies on purpose, she will soon have no more cookies left to eat. If she throws and breaks her toy, she will not be able to play with it. It will not be long before she learns not to drop her cookies and to play carefully with her toys. 

8. Be prepared for trouble. 

Plan ahead for situations when your child might have trouble behaving. Prepare them for upcoming activities and how you want them to behave. 

9. Redirect bad behavior. 

Sometimes children misbehave because they are bored or don't know any better. Find something else for your child to do. 

10. Call a time-out. 

A time-out can be especially useful when a specific rule is broken. This discipline tool works best by warning children they will get a time out if they don't stop, reminding them what they did wrong in as few words―and with as little emotion―as possible, and removing them from the situation for a pre-set length of time (1 minute per year of age is a good rule of thumb). With children who are at least 3 years old, you can try letting their children lead their own time-out instead of setting a timer. You can just say, "Go to time out and come back when you feel ready and in control." This strategy, which can help the child learn and practice self-management skills, also works well for older children and teens.

Healthy & Effective Discipline Tips by Age/Stage

• ​Babies learn by watching what you do, so set examples of behavior you expect.
• Use positive language to guide your baby. For example, say, "Time to sit," rather than, "Don't stand."
• Save the word, "no," for the most important issues, like safety. Limit the need to say "no" by putting dangerous or tempting objects out of reach.
• Distracting and replacing a dangerous or forbidden object with one that is okay to play with is a good strategy at this age.
• All children, including babies, need consistent discipline, so talk with your partner, family members, and child care provider to set basic rules everyone follows.

• Your child is starting to recognize what's allowed and what isn't but may test some rules to see how you react. Pay attention to and praise behaviors you like and ignore those you want to discourage. Redirect to a different activity when needed.
• Tantrums can become more common as your child struggles to master new skills and situations. Anticipate tantrum triggers, like being tired or hungry, and help head them off with well-timed naps and meals.
• Teach your toddler not to hit, bite, or use other aggressive behaviors. Model nonviolent behavior by not spanking your toddler and by handling conflict with your partner in a constructive way.
• Stay consistent in enforcing limits. Try short time-outs if needed.
• Acknowledge conflicts between siblings but avoid taking sides. For example, if an argument arises about a toy, the toy can be put away.

• ​Preschool-age children are still trying to understand how and why things work and what effect their actions have. As they learn appropriate behavior, expect them to continue testing the limits of parents and siblings.
• Begin assigning age-appropriate chores, like putting their toys away. Give simple, step-by-step directions. Reward them with praise.
• Allow your child to make choices among acceptable alternatives, redirecting and setting sensible limits.
• Teach your child to treat others as she wants to be treated.
• Explain that it's OK to feel mad sometimes, but not to hurt someone or break things. Teach them how to deal with angry feelings in positive ways, like talking about it.
• To resolve conflicts, use time-outs or remove the source of conflict.

• ​Your child is beginning to get a sense of right and wrong. Talk about the choices they have in difficult situations, what are the good and bad options, and what might come next depending on how they decide to act.
• Talk about family expectations and reasonable consequences for not following family rules.
• Provide a balance of privileges and responsibility, giving children more privileges when they follow rules of good behavior.
• Continue to teach and model patience, concern and respect for others.
• Don't let yourself or others use physical punishment. If you live in an area where corporal punishment is allowed in schools, you have the right to say that your child may not be spanked.

• ​As your teen develops more independent decision-making skills, you'll need to balance your unconditional love and support with clear expectations, rules, and boundaries.
• Continue to show plenty of affection and attention. Make time every day to talk. Young people are more likely to make healthy choices if they stay connected with family members.
• Get to know your teen's friends and talk about responsible and respectful relationships.
• Acknowledge your teen's efforts, achievements, and success in what they do―and don't do. Praise the choice to avoid using tobacco, e-cigarettes, alcohol, or other drugs. Set a good example through your own responsible use of alcohol and other substances.

Learn from Mistakes—Including Your Own

Remember that, as a parent, you can give yourself a time out if you feel out of control. Just make sure your child is in a safe place, and then give yourself a few minutes to take a few deep breaths, relax or call a friend. When you are feeling better, go back to your child, hug each other, and start over.

If you do not handle a situation well the first time, try not to worry about it. Think about what you could have done differently and try to do it the next time. If you feel you have made a real mistake in the heat of the moment, wait to cool down, apologize to your child, and explain how you will handle the situation in the future. Be sure to keep your promise. This gives your child a good model of how to recover from mistakes.

I’d like to share a quote with you from Astrid Lindgren, the author of Pippi Longstocking, that made a big impact on me when I first read it years ago: 

References: www.healthychildren.org; Verywellfamily.com; www.positiveparentingsolutions.com