When asked what traits parents would like their children to have now and as adults, one of the most common responses is “to be responsible.” This is a broad term which means many different things, including:

• being dependable so people know they can count on you,
• keeping one’s word and agreements,
• meeting one’s commitments,
• doing something to the best of one’s ability,
• being accountable for one’s behavior,
• accepting credit when you do things right and acknowledging mistakes,
• being a contributing member of one’s family, community and society.

Being responsible is a key to children’s success both in school and in the larger world when they grow up.

Parents often confuse obedience with responsibility.

Most parents would love their children to do what the parent asks, to follow directions and to not question their authority – understandable and important goals when raising children. However, this is not responsibility!! These behaviors would be classified as obedience.

Over time, most parents want children to accept ownership for a task or chore – the children do it because it needs to be done and accept that it is their obligation to do it. Over time, they may even initiate doing a task “because it needs to be done” – not because they are being told to do it. This attitude would be called responsibility.

Considering the shift from obedience to responsibility raises the issue of how involved you should be in helping your children to meet their commitments and complete tasks.

• Not wanting our children to fail can lead parents to do too much for their children; when this happens, the children don’t learn to take on the responsibility themselves.
• On the other hand, there are times when children do need guidance, support or information so that they can learn how to be responsible.

Finding the balance between over-managing and under-parenting is an art.

Deciding when it is appropriate to step in and when it is more effective to let go and give the child space to do it his way will depend on the child’s maturity, past behavior with responsibility in general and with this task in particular, the developmental task the child is working on, the child’s temperament, and many other considerations.

Instilling the attitudes and traits that make children responsible occurs over years and involves many different pieces that make up the parenting puzzle.

If you have ever wondered if you are being either too strict or too lenient, or if you are giving your children enough love, then you have stumbled upon considerations about the two important roles that parents have. Each has a part in helping your children become responsible.

When you are carrying out the Nurturing/Caring Role, you are being kind and loving to your children. It is in this role that you listen to your children, support them, spend time with them, and are affectionate with them.

As the Nurturing Parent, you communicate unconditional love – no matter what happens, you love your children just because they exist and are yours. This allows your children to take risks, to make mistakes, knowing that they have their parents’ unconditional support and love.

When you are fulfilling the responsibilities of the Structure/Executive Role, you are setting limits and boundaries, imposing discipline, teaching your children how they should behave, passing on your values, and giving guidance.

By not meeting their needs immediately and not giving them everything they want, you provide an opportunity for your children to tolerate some frustration, delay gratification, become less impulsive and less self-centered.

You set standards of behavior that you expect your children to meet. You establish consequences for breaking rules and you follow through on those consequences. You teach your children to be appreciative for what they have.

It is through the Executive Role that you hold your children accountable for their behavior, and that in turn, fosters the development of a sense of responsibility.

Children need their parents to carry out both roles. Children are more likely to accept the limits you set and are more likely to want to meet your expectations (i.e. be responsible) when you provide a warm, caring and supportive relationship that underlies the discipline you impose.

It has been shown that children with high self-esteem tend to be more responsible. They are better at:

• waiting for what they want – they believe that with persistence and practice they can reach a goal.
• acknowledging their mistakes and learning from them.
• sticking to a task.
• being willing to ask for help.
• being clear about their strengths and weaknesses.
• taking risks and trying new things.
• believing that they can solve problems they encounter.

How can parents instill a high sense of self-esteem in their children? One way is by providing messages that build each of the two essential components of self-esteem, feeling lovable and feeling capable.

To tell your children that you love them unconditionally, you can send “Being” Messages.

For example:

“I will always love you.”

“I am so glad you are my son/daughter.”

“I love spending time with you.”

“Welcome Home!”

It is the capable part of Self-esteem that most ties into the Executive Role of parents and that fosters responsibility.

When children feel capable, they are more likely to meet their obligations, sign on for new tasks, try their hardest and feel good about what they do. All of these things will increase a child’s responsibility.

You can increase your child’s sense of responsibility by helping them to feel that they are capable by sending “Doing” Messages. These messages refer to all the things your children can do, their special areas of talent, and also to their potential and their growth.

For example, you can tell your child:

“You were so thorough in doing your research paper – you did a great job of planning in advance how you were going to tackle the project.”

“Thank you so much for setting the table – it helped me a lot, and I see you put everything exactly in the right spot.”

“I know you can do this.”

“You are practicing your backhand so persistently. I bet you will really improve by the class next week.”

“I really appreciate that you took out the trash without my having to ask you. That’s what I call being responsible.”

“I can see that you really are concerned about Grandma – you sent her the get-well card and even called her yesterday. I’m sure that made her feel better.”