You’re confused by your kid. She doesn’t act the way you did when you were growing up. She’s hesitant and reserved. Instead of diving in to play, she’d rather stand back and watch the other kids. She talks to you in fits and starts—sometimes she rambles on, telling you stories, but other times, she’s silent, and you can’t figure out what’s going on in her head. She spends a lot of time alone in her bedroom. Her teacher says he wishes she’d participate more in class. Her social life is limited to two people. Even weirder, she seems totally okay with that.

Congratulations: you’ve got an introvert.

It’s not unusual for extroverted parents to worry about their introverted children and even wonder if their behavior is mentally and emotionally healthy. Of course, children can suffer from anxiety and depression, just as adults can. It’s important to be aware of the symptoms of childhood depression; sometimes withdrawal from friends and family and low energy signal something more than introversion.

Many introverted children, however, are not depressed or anxious at all. They behave in the way they do because of their innate temperament. The more you embrace their natural introverted nature, the happier your child will be.

1. 

Introverts are hardly a minority. Numbers vary based on a study, but introverts make up 30-50 percent of the U.S. population. Some of our most successful leaders, entertainers, and entrepreneurs, such as Bill Gates, Emma Watson, Warren Buffett, Courteney Cox, Christina Aguilera, J.K. Rowling, Abraham Lincoln, Mother Teresa, and Mahatma Gandhi, have been introverts.

2. 

Think your child can just “get over” hating raucous birthday parties? Think again. Introverts’ and extroverts’ brains are “wired” differently, according to Dr. Marti Olsen Laney, author of The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child. She writes that children’s temperaments are innate (although parents play an important role in nurturing that temperament).

Introverts’ and extroverts’ brains use different neurotransmitter pathways, and introverts and extroverts use different “sides” of their nervous systems (introverts prefer the parasympathetic side, which is the “rest and digest” system as opposed to the sympathetic, which triggers the “fight, flight, or freeze” response). Furthermore, a study published in the Journal of Neuroscience found that introverts have larger, thicker gray matter in their prefrontal cortices, which is the area of the brain associated with abstract thought and decision-making. If your child tends to be more cautious and reserved than her extroverted peers, rest assured that there’s a biological reason for it.

3. 

Introverts often feel overwhelmed or anxious in new environments and around new people. If you’re attending a social event, don’t expect your child to jump into the action and chat with other children right away. If possible, arrive early so your child can get comfortable in that space and feel like other people are entering a space she already “owns.”

Another option is to have your child stand back from the action at a comfortable distance—perhaps near you, where she feels safe—and simply watch the event for a few minutes. Quietly observing will help her process things.

If arriving early or observing isn’t possible, discuss the event ahead of time with your child, talking about who will be there, what will likely happen, how she might feel, and what she could say to start a conversation.

If your child is nervous about starting a new school year, visit your child’s classroom, introduce her to her teacher, and find the bathroom, the lunchroom, and her locker before the hustle and bustle of the first day of classes.

No matter what new experience you’re getting him accustomed to, remember: go slowly, but don’t not go. “Don’t let him opt out, but do respect his limits, even when they seem extreme,” writes Susan Cain about introverted children. “Inch together toward the thing he’s wary of.”

4. 

While extroverts feel energized by socializing, introverts can feel drained. If your child is older, she can excuse herself to a quieter part of the room or a different location such as the bathroom or outside. If she’s younger, she might not notice when she’s tapped out, so you’ll have to watch her for signs of fatigue.

5. 

Let her know you admire what she did. Say something like, “Yesterday, I saw you talking to that new boy. I know that was hard for you, but I’m proud of what you did.”

6. 

Say, “You thought you were going to have a miserable time at the birthday party, but you ended up making some new friends.” With positive reinforcement like this, over time, she’ll be more likely to be able to self-regulate her feelings of nervousness and dread.

7. 

Your child may have intense—and maybe even unique—interests. Give her opportunities to pursue those interests, says Christine Fonseca, author of Quiet Kids: Help Your Introverted Child Succeed in an Extroverted World. Softball and Girl Scouts may work well for some children, but don’t forget to look off the beaten path and consider writing classes or science camps. Intense engagement in an activity can bring happiness, well-being, and confidence (think Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi’s state of flow), but it also gives your child opportunities to socialize with other children who have similar passions (and perhaps similar temperaments).

8. 

This will help your child’s teachers know how to interpret her behavior. Some teachers mistakenly assume that introverted children don’t speak up much in class because they’re disinterested or not paying attention.

On the contrary, introverted students can be quite attentive in class, but they often prefer to listen and observe rather than actively participate.

Also, if the teacher knows about your child’s introversion, the teacher may be able to gently help her navigate things like interactions with friends, participation in group work, or presenting in class.

9. 

Teach her to say stop or no in a loud voice when another child tries to take her toy from her. If she’s being bullied or treated unfairly at school, encourage her to speak up to an adult or the perpetrator. “It starts with teaching introverted children that their voice is important,” Fonseca says.

10. 

Listen to your child, and ask questions to draw her out. Many introverts—children and adults—struggle with feeling “heard” by others. Introverts “live internally, and they need someone to draw them out,” writes Dr. Laney in her book. “Without a parent who listens and reflects back to them, like an echo, what they are thinking, they can get lost in their own minds.”

11. 

Introverts tend to internalize problems. Your child might not talk to you about a difficult situation she’s dealing with at school or with a friend although she wishes for and/or could benefit from some adult guidance. Again, ask questions and truly listen—but don’t pry or make your questions feel like an interrogation.

12. 

“Shy” is a word that carries a negative connotation. If your introverted child hears the word “shy” enough times, she may start to believe that her discomfort around people is a fixed trait, not a feeling she can learn to control. Furthermore, “shy” focuses on the inhibition she experiences, and it doesn’t help her understand the true source of her quietness—her introverted temperament.

13. 

Introverts seek depth in relationships, not breadth. They prefer a small circle of friends and usually aren’t interested in being “popular.”

14. 

Anything that pulls your child out of her inner world—like going to school, socializing, or even navigating a new routine—will drain her. Don’t be hurt or think your child doesn’t enjoy being with the family when she spends time alone in her room, perhaps reading a book, playing on the computer, or playing an imagination game. Most likely, once she has recharged, she’ll want to spend time with the family again.

15. 

“Don’t just accept your child for who she is; treasure her for who she is,” writes Cain. “Introverted children are often kind, thoughtful, focused, and very interesting company, as long as they’re in settings that work for them.”

Reference: Jennifer Granneman

For better or worse, every adult lived through their childhood. More often than not, the quality of one's childhood impacts one's adult life in terms of relationships, mental health, and how one sees the world. Each parent is responsible for doing right by their children by providing them with opportunities and otherwise setting them up for success. While good parenting, stable environments, and positive exposure can help a child to be happy and successful later in life, bad parenting, dangerous environments, and negative exposure can cause serious problems in adulthood.

There are many ways to inflict childhood trauma, but it's generally caused by physical/sexual abuse, neglect, or other forms of mistreatment. Trauma can be inflicted by parents, siblings, or individuals in positions of power and authority, and it can leave physiological, psychological, and emotional scars long after the abuse has subsided.

Depending on the longevity and the extent of the trauma, some people can overcome it, living successful and fulfilling lives. This article will cover common effects of childhood trauma, as well as coping tool to move forward to a healthy, adult life.

According to Psychology Today, one of the most devastating impacts of childhood trauma is the effect it has on self-image. Adults who experienced significant trauma as children are more likely to develop a pattern of victimhood thinking. As the name suggests, this state of mind is the belief that one is a victim. Adopting this ideology is incredibly dangerous, as the way people perceive themselves impacts their words, choices, careers, opportunities, and relationships. Individuals who genuinely think the world is out to get them will inevitably attract situations and people who reinforce these beliefs, regardless of how incorrect they may be.

Victimhood thinking is not the only way childhood trauma changes adult behavior. People who were mistreated as children may also become passive and subservient. This usually manifests as the inability to self-express or self-defend and the tendency to bottle up emotions. While some people view passivity as being agreeable or being a team player, burying feelings beneath the surface and not speaking up can have devastating impacts. Moreover, subservience often attracts parasitic individuals who exploit and take advantage of others.

While passivity and subservience are dangerous for everyone, these traits are particularly hazardous for women. If they adopt the behaviors above, women who struggle with unresolved childhood trauma are likely to attract abusive partners or spouses. Abusive relationships, domestic violence, and toxic significant others are nothing to joke about. People have died because they couldn't avoid or escape these dangers.

Like self-image, adult relationships are frequently another casualty of childhood trauma. Psychology Today affirms that people who experienced considerable trauma during childhood tend to attract toxic relationships or even avoid relationships altogether.

This is why people with high self-esteem, confidence, and positive self-image tend to attract beneficial relationships and opportunities. Likewise, someone who lacks these traits generally attracts negative and parasitic people as well as the circumstances that follow.

Left unchecked and unresolved, childhood trauma impacts both personal beliefs and personal relationships. Someone who was abused, neglected, or mistreated as a child may genuinely view themselves as undeserving of loving, supportive, and healthy relationships. Moreover, they may view themselves as unworthy of accomplishments, thus leading to a lack of drive and ambition. In other words, childhood trauma survivors can feel alone, unlovable, and directionless in adulthood.

According to reports from Psychological Science, adults who were exposed to childhood trauma are considerably more vulnerable to depression. Unfortunately, depression is not always taken seriously, but it's a very real mental health issue with a litany of troubling symptoms. Contrary to certain misconceptions, individuals who suffer from depression cannot simply "get over it" or "snap out of it." Ordering a depressed person to do these things can cause more harm than good.

The Mayo Clinic provides insight into the effects of clinical depression. This adverse state of mind affects the way that afflicted individuals view themselves, others, and the world around them. Depression also has the power to engender emotional and even physical problems.

Here are some of the most common symptoms and indicators of depression:

• Insomnia
• Drained energy
• Hopelessness
• Ongoing sadness
• Anxiety
• Lack of appetite
• Poor concentration
• Suicidal thoughts/actions

In most cases, individuals with the abovementioned symptoms tend to isolate themselves while neglecting self-care, slacking off work, and alienating others. Attempts to connect with a depressed person may fail, which can be frustrating and hurtful to friends and relatives who genuinely want the best for the individual in question.

Reading about the effects of childhood trauma can be quite unnerving. However, people who have experienced difficulties as children should not become discouraged or lose hope. No matter what happened in the past, the sun always rises again. There is always room for self-improvement, growth, and recovery. Individuals who went through tough times as children can have positive self-images and healthy relationships while living happy, successful lives.

Although self-care may seem somewhat trivial when you're overcoming childhood trauma, it matters more than you might think. Jordan Grey Consulting explains that individuals who survived traumatic childhoods may subconsciously view themselves as unworthy of healthy habits and lifestyle choices. Therefore, they are more likely to neglect their body, eating habits, etc. This creates a vicious cycle of low self-esteem and eventual self-loathing.

Thankfully, the cycle can be broken with healthy habits, such as exercise, a good night's sleep, and healthy eating. Another important form of self-care involves considering the quality of one's friends, romantic partners, and other relationships. The people around us impact our perceptions, choices, and worldviews. This is why ending unhealthy relationships and cutting off toxic individuals is paramount, especially for people who are working to heal wounds from childhood trauma.

One of the most effective ways to overcome negative memories is by creating positive ones. Pursuing hobbies and extracurricular interests not only allows adults to evolve as individuals, but they also help adults to find a sense of purpose and something to look forward to. It's important for survivors of childhood trauma to know that their past experiences do not have to define the rest of their lives. Everyone has the power to control their fate and quality of life.

In many cases, counselors and therapists can serve as the greatest allies for adults who have undergone childhood trauma. This is largely because trained mental health professionals are equipped to help people work through and heal these difficult issues. However, even with professional help and guidance, you won't overcome childhood trauma overnight. It's going to take time, dedication, and commitment. Moreover, overcoming childhood trauma may require revisiting unpleasant memories. The road to recovery will vary depending on the person, and it can be hard, but it will ultimately be worth it.

Here at BetterHelp, our specialists understand that life presents unique challenges to everyone. No matter who you are or what you've been through, your past does not define you, nor does it have to determine the rest of your life. We can support you in moving past it. Only you can decide to seek professional help. BetterHelp is a convenient option for online therapy should you want support on your healing journey. Below are some counselor reviews, from people experiencing similar issues.

Your past does not necessarily dictate your future. As children, we're often restricted by the rules and limitations set by our parents and other authority figures. As an adult, you have the freedom to set your own path toward a future built by your own personal goals, morals, and ambition. Stay focused on what's ahead, as the past is and always will be a memory.

It's not uncommon to try and make sense of the trauma inflicted throughout your childhood. However, you shouldn't waste too much time or effort on this. There is absolutely nothing that can justify child abuse, so don't strain yourself trying to rationalize it. Instead, try and see it for what it is--a dark chapter in your life that is and was completely out of your control.

Now that you're an adult, you're capable of recognizing toxic and abusive behavior, so you can use your past as a learning experience; you know what not to do with your children. You don't have to follow in the footsteps of those who raised you, nor should you. As weird as it may sound, you can put your dark experience to good use by vowing never to inflict the trauma you endured on others.

Childhood trauma can negatively impact the rest of your life, but it doesn't have to be that way. You can heal. As an adult, you now hold the power to change your life. Take the first step.

References: Mason Komay and Avia James

A planner by nature, I anticipated my babies’ arrivals by reading all the books, making all the lists, doing all the research, and generally convincing myself I had made a terrible mistake. Thankfully, both of my children survived their earliest years without much trouble, and I relaxed a little. However, just when it seemed like we were finally figuring things out, they started school.

At first, the great challenges of school included trusting the classroom educators, acclimating to a different routine, and remembering where to find things such as the online school calendar. But as the kids moved from their rural Maine Montessori years (from ages 3 to 5) to the Chicago Public Schools, things changed.

A lot.

Of course, the kids met our new challenges with resilience and grace, quickly falling into a new normal. I, on the other hand, have had a bumpier go of things.

You see, as an introvert, the scariest part of parenthood for me is socializing with other parents. Little by little, I’m figuring out ways to manage my discomfort, but I’m discovering there’s no quick or fast solution. Here are some of the challenges I’ve faced as an introverted parent, and what I’ve learned.

I am the kind of introverted working mother who can fake social ease just enough to keep the red flags lowered — as long as the socializing comes in short bursts, in small, familiar groups (one-on-one is ideal), and it’s extra helpful if I have a defined purpose for being there (i.e., if it’s my job). Alternatively, opened-ended and undefined social situations are, for me, the equivalent of the boogie man.

My kids are now six and seven. They are sweet, social people who enjoy playdates and group activities. They long to be in the mix of their school and neighborhood communities — after-school events, potlucks, and street parties. So I say yes to some things, and we keep showing up. We show up, the kids find their people and take off with their little wolf packs. I linger at the edge of the activity, not totally unlike a lone sock hanging limply from a clothesline.

Recently in therapy, I described my social-anxiety-while-among-other-parents as a middle school regression. It’s especially prevalent with other mothers. If faced with a large group of mothers who are catching up with each other in chatty clusters of designer leggings, sporty vests, and baseball caps, I immediately feel like I am 12 years old, standing at the front of the middle school cafeteria, feeling very Asian (which I am), wearing the wrong clothes, and wondering where to sit. To be honest, I skipped lunch for most of the middle school and high school and instead read peacefully in the library.

But it’s no longer just about me.

Before I continue, I have a few disclaimers. I always have disclaimers.

• I’m sure the other mothers/parents are fine. My own social obstacles are not a judgement on them.
• I am not looking for sympathy. This is simply how I am, and devising strategies for navigating this is my own inside job.
• I could avoid these situations, but my own introverted personality shouldn’t prevent my kids from participating in their communities.
• It’s important for my kids to see me doing things that I find hard and uncomfortable.

When I spoke to my therapist about this particular issue, she reminded me that many people struggle to find their place among other parents. On one hand, this is a good reminder that we all have our challenges — introverted or not — but dealing with it sometimes calls for very different game plans depending on the individual.

The other day, I read this article in The New York Times called “Making Friends With Other Parents Is Like Dating.” While I found it interesting, the tips didn’t resonate as much as I had hoped because I’m not trying to find my next BFF. The article touches upon the awkwardness and uncertainty among peer parents, but it encourages friend-making. I do enjoy my friends and occasionally developing new friendships, but my main goal is to feel at peace when required to share space with other parents.

It’s not easy being an introverted parent, but learning to look at things a little differently has helped me when I’ve found myself volunteering in my kids’ classrooms, at a mother-son dance, or at a school potluck. If you’re an introverted parent, I hope these three things help you, too:

This is easier than it sounds because unfortunately, I do care what people think of me. I’m not sure why this is, but whatever the reason, the best way forward, as author Anne Lamott reminds us, is bird by bird. And as Glennon Doyle reminds us, we just have to do the next hard thing.

So if my strongest instinct is to bring a book and read quietly while the kids are playing, I should read my book. Yes, it makes me fairly unapproachable and perhaps, to some, a little rude. But if I’m not causing harm, if I’m keeping an eye on my kids, and I don’t feel like practicing the small talk, then really, I should be able to read my book.

I am the mom who prefers to be with the kids. The kid space feels down-to-earth, authentic, and comfortable. I find myself, at times, in the center of a kid circle. My kids will come to tell me something, their friends will follow, and the next thing I know, we are in a discussion about their game, their classroom, or a funny joke someone just learned. Perhaps I am not intimidated by elementary school kids because they are usually the only ones who are shorter than I am. But it’s probably because they are the most fun.

As introverts, our minds are always going, imagining what might be coming up next. So this point is possibly the hardest one for me. However, if I don’t have any expectations for whatever I’m doing, I can relax a little. This is more of an overall life strategy, but it can work well with other parents. If I do not expect anyone to interact with me in any specific way, if I don’t expect to feel like a weirdo while doing my own thing, if I don’t expect any event to be great or terrible, it’s easier to find moments where I can be present.

Recently, I was sitting on a bench, listening to a podcast, watching my son play at the park. Another mom came up and sat next to me, commenting that sitting quietly seemed like a good idea. So that’s what we did — we sat peacefully together, without awkwardness or expectation, simply watching our kids play. Sometimes it’s enough just to show up.

So I will. I will show up when it’s important for my kids, and I will continue to challenge myself to find my place among other parents. Sometimes it will be scary, but sometimes it might be pretty good. Most often, I imagine, it will fall somewhere in the middle. And that in itself is a valuable message for my kids: In our family, we try hard, we do things that scare us, and even when the results are average at best, we should still feel okay about it.

Reference: Sara Watkins from Introvertdear