“Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people.” This is a famous quote from Anne Lamott in her book Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life. Intuitively, we know that perfectionism is unrealistic and restrictive, a tyrant that steals success. In fact, there are many sayings and experts that stress the importance of making mistakes for creating and achieving great things.

But still, there are many people who fear to make mistakes. According to Martin Antony, Ph.D, professor of psychology at Ryerson University and co-author of When Perfect Isn’t Good Enough, “Generally, fears are influenced by both our biological and genetic makeup, as well as our experiences.”

We model what we see, Antony said. He gave the example of parents expressing their fears over making mistakes, which a child, like a sponge, soaks up.

The messages we receive from others, including friends, employers and the media, also play a role. “The constant pressure to improve performance can have the effect of triggering fears of underperforming and of making mistakes,” Antony said. He added that constant criticism has a similar impact.

Having some fear of mistakes can be a good thing, Antony said — it can help to improve your performance. But excessive fear causes problems. For instance, you might start avoiding fear-provoking situations. “[People] may avoid social situations (meetings, dating, presentations), for fear of making some sort of blunder, and they may procrastinate for fear of not being able to complete a task perfectly”, Antony said.

Or you might engage in “safety behaviors” to prevent making mistakes. Antony defined safety behaviors as “small behaviors to protect oneself from perceived dangers.” So you might spend hours pouring over your work to make sure it’s mistake-free.

“Overcoming any fear involves confronting the feared stimulus directly”, Antony said. For instance, he and other perfectionism experts recommend people practice making small mistakes with mild consequences – and stop engaging in safety behaviors.

Changing perfectionistic thinking also is important since it’s our thoughts, our interpretations of what’s occurring around us, that perpetuate perfectionism. As Antony and co-author Richard Swinson, M.D., write in When Perfect Isn’t Good Enough, we actually don’t fear making mistakes. We fear what we believe about making mistakes. That’s what’s upsetting or anxiety-producing for us.

“Perhaps you assume that making mistakes will lead to some terrible consequence that can’t be corrected or undone (such as being fired or ridiculed by others). Or you may believe that making mistakes is a sign of weakness or incompetence,” they write.

Perfectionists tend to take such distorted thoughts as gospel. In their book, Antony and Swinson explain how readers can alter their perfectionistic thinking with these four steps:

• identify the perfectionistic thought;
• list alternative thoughts;
• think about the pros and cons of both your thoughts and the alternative thoughts; and
• pick a more realistic or helpful way to view the situation

They give the example of a man who feels embarrassed and anxious after making a joke that others didn’t seem to find funny. Initially, he thinks that others see him as awkward and boring, and won’t like him if he’s not entertaining.

His alternative thoughts are that people won’t judge him based on one measly uncomfortable situation; and they find him interesting, anyway. When evaluating these thoughts, he realizes that his friends know him well, and even though they make bad jokes, he still enjoys their company. Plus, people invite him to functions, so they must find him entertaining.

In the end, he picks this more realistic and helpful perspective: “Perhaps I need to give myself permission to make mistakes when I am talking to other people. I don’t judge other people when they say something unusual or awkward. Perhaps they are not judging me when I make mistakes.”

Instead of assuming your thoughts are facts, Antony also asks people to test their beliefs with small experiments. “For example, if someone is convinced that mispronouncing a word would be a disaster, we might encourage him or her to mispronounce a word and see what happens.”

Examining the evidence for your perfectionistic assumptions is another way to alter distorted thoughts. For instance, let’s say you believe that getting less than an A on your research paper is terrible and unacceptable. According to Antony and Swinson, “you could try to recall what happened in the past when you received a lower grade on a paper or exam. Did you survive the experience? What happens when other people receive grades that are lower than an A? Do terrible things occur as a result?”

While it might feel like your fear of mistakes is unshakeable, fortunately, there are many effective, practical strategies to overcome perfectionism. If your fear seems excessive and impairs your functioning, don’t hesitate to see a mental health professional.

Reference: Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S. from Psychcentral

1. 

One of the most important things you can teach your children is to recognize what they are feeling and to express their feelings in words. Help your children grow by teaching the many words for different emotions, and using examples when those feelings arise in themselves and others.

People’s actions can be “bad” but the feelings themselves are never “bad”. One reason children get stuck and don’t want to talk about feelings, even if you ask them to, is because they can confuse how they feel as being “bad” or “a problem” when it is actually the tough thing that happened that is the problem. Feelings are like important road signs, if we understand them and listen to them. They can teach us where to go next and what to look for.

Many children shut down when they are upset because they think all feelings except for happy ones are negative and shameful. When you teach your kids the language for many different feelings and invite them to explore and share them, it makes difficult feelings normal and healthy. The result is the development of emotional smarts and social skills. They can deal with what they are feeling, and have stronger friendships too. This also helps them have better self-esteem.
Even anger can be helpful when kids learn how to cope with it. The emotion of anger brings awareness that something is hurtful. When we recognize that we are hurt, our problem-solving skills can improve.

2. 

Pause and really listen to your child before offering advice or getting angry. This helps your child trust you and listen more openly to the advice you decide to give. When children are upset, be careful to understand their point of view and validate that they feel that way whether or not you agree. Children, along with adults, can better accept a different view of a situation once their emotions have been accepted and understood. Hearing the child’s viewpoint can reduce their defensive reaction. This doesn’t mean there is no consequence for breaking rules, but it means they can express what happened, or what their thought process was, so they can grow. Children who grow up with their feelings not accepted will struggle in the future.

3. 

Children often show us they are having a problem through their behaviour rather than words. If your child is acting out and getting into trouble often, it is a clue that something needs to be problem-solved or that they need emotional support to cope and move forward. This is a reason why the language of feelings is so important. It isn’t healthy if your child can’t tell you what is going on. When kids are acting out, there are reasons and many things can be done to help. Don’t be afraid to ask for help even if the difficulty doesn’t seem extremely serious. All children need guidance about emotions and relationships. If you ask for help or learn more about emotions and relationships yourself, you and your children will benefit.

4. 

All children need help to learn about their emotions and relationships. It is our job as adults to teach them these skills. Every child is different so we need to figure out what reaches each child individually. Look to what they truly enjoy to help them express themselves. Play, games, sports, art, writing, dance, horticulture, photography, music, and acting or role playing situations are great ways of helping kids learn to cope with difficult feelings and relationships. Creativity is a natural human way to learn and express ourselves. If your child has learned that feelings should be avoided, creativity can open them to emotions.

5. 

Teach your child that every person will experience times of strength and times of struggle. There is no shame in struggling. Often children are taught to focus way too much on the struggles they are having and get “stuck”, thinking they aren’t good enough. We need to help children balance the amount of time they focus on what is hard for them to learn and what their natural skills and passions are. Helping them build on what they naturally love is the secret to helping them grow self-esteem.

Counselling, social skill groups, life coaching and leisure activities are great ways of helping kids build skills they will need to be the best they can be. Taking your children to counselling, for example, to learn new coping skills in an area difficult for them, can be a big help to their growth and development. It does not mean that something is wrong with them. In fact, it makes them healthier, stronger and more confident people.

6. 

Negative thinking about the self is a huge problem for many North American people of all ages. This thinking often starts in childhood. Children are getting constant messages that they may not be good enough. Many children get “stuck” in thinking this way from hearing negative messages about themselves and then repeating them over and over in their thoughts. Repetitive negative thinking about the self, others and the world can lead to future mental health struggles.

Notice your child’s language and comments about him or herself and others. If your child says negative things repeatedly, it is a problem. It usually means they aren’t feeling good about themselves and need support to problem-solve and change that type of thinking. When kids practice negative self-talk, it leads to lower self esteem and can contribute to low mood and worry. It can leave them more vulnerable to being bullied as well. Bullying is dangerous to self esteem especially if children already believe they are not good enough. Look out for your child’s inner bully. Negative thinking is dangerous to mental health because it builds on itself. It becomes automatic to think painful and self damaging thoughts, much like learning an instrument or a sport, but with a negative result rather than a positive one.

Our brains are designed to change when we repeat thoughts and actions over and over. For example, picture yourself and your child skiing or tobogganing. If you go over the same path again and again it will soon get very slippery and grooved in. It becomes faster and faster for the two of you to slide down that path. Our brains work in a similar way. If you and your child are rehearsing painful or mean thoughts, you may have become very good at something that hurts you. To change negative thinking patterns, the person must start a different and positive path and practice that instead. Once people get used to a new positive path, they follow it automatically and they start to feel happier.

7. 

Many adults grew up being shut down and ashamed of their feelings. They tried to ignore them in order to get through tough times. We pass this on to kids unintentionally. Children are like mirrors that reflect back what they see in their environments. Teach your kids to grow emotionally by showing them you aren’t afraid to express feelings and to cope in a positive way. Don’t shame your children for having tough feelings or being upset. If you don’t know how, ask for help. There is nothing wrong with needing help. If your children need help, you want them to be able to ask for it, so it is important that you show them you are able to ask for help as well.

If you lose your temper, first apologize; next, show your kids how to grow by making emotionally healthy choices yourself. Teach them by example to take responsibility for their actions. Show them it is normal to make a mistake. It isn’t your fault if you didn’t learn these skills in your childhood. It is likely that your parents weren’t aware of how to cope with their difficult emotions in a healthy way either. Fear of feeling gets passed through generations. You can make a change for the better if you aren’t afraid to challenge yourself and learn new ways to connect with your child.

Reference: Lynne Steffy from Carizon

1. 

There may not be anyone else with the same constellation of symptoms as your child but there are people with similar challenges. Find those people. I have never met anyone with all of these same challenges as my kid but I have a strong network within each separate diagnosis. We have made wonderful friends and have found—and I hope provided—a great deal of support within each of these. I just have to pop onto one of my Facebook groups and I’m immediately reminded, I’m not alone.

2. 

We are placed in a position of caring for others nearly constantly. However, you still need and deserve to be cared for. That entails asking friends or family to bring a meal by every now and then, or going for a pedicure, or a date night, or whatever else you enjoy doing. Whatever makes you feel special and taken care of, take the time to enjoy it, you are worth it!

3. 

No one is perfect. We all make mistakes. We can wallow in our goof-ups or move on! Try to shift your thinking, maybe there was a good reason you missed that appointment, that you were sure was on Tuesday but apparently was on Monday. Maybe your kiddo had a tough day at school and just needed the night off. Who knows? But beating yourself up isn’t going to change the situation, so try to move on.

4. 

You may not leap buildings in a single bound or run faster than a speeding bullet but you are a superhero none the less. Every day, you manage situations that a regular parent would think are impossible. You stretch tight muscles, remember pills, inject and infuse the medicine. You hold hysterical children during horrendous medical procedures. You deal with tantrums and meltdowns. And most often manage not to have a tantrum or meltdown yourself. You encourage your child to do things doctors told you they would never do but you never gave up hope. You are a therapist, nurse, doctor, friend and confidante. You are no regular parent.

5. 

Having sat in on several therapy sessions, I have been frustrated by what I thought was premature discharge from therapy on more than one occasion. Since then, I have grown, I have learned and I have come to understand. For children, therapy is play and play is therapy. What I mean is that the best therapists find ways to make my son engage in challenging activities that he otherwise would have balked at, by making it a game that he wanted to play. We took a page from their book and did the same at home.

6. 

Yes this is different from number five. After discharge from therapy, we sought extra curricular activities for my son that would offer therapeutic benefits. He played sled hockey, runs on a track team, learned to shoot archery and takes swim lessons. All of this is therapy. He’s learning, having fun and getting stronger. Win, Win and Win!

7. 

We super parents tend to be fairly busy and often over scheduled. However, while everything on your calendar is important, it’s also important to make time to play, laugh, be silly and just enjoy your kids. Read to them, snuggle with them, engage with them with what’s important in their worlds. Make memories outside of hospital walls.

8. 

You will have to make painful decisions that hurt your heart and leave you questioning everything you thought you knew or understood. Know that you are doing your best, remember number three. I am guilty of agonizing over these types of decisions, they can become really overwhelming to me. Talk about your conundrum with others who get it and trust yourself to make the best decision. Make it move on and once it’s made don’t rethink it. Easier said than done, but worth a try!

9. 

Many of the choices you are forced to make have no right answer, just the lesser of the hard and painful wrong choices. You will do your best but you won’t always get it right no matter how many sleepless nights you spend agonizing over how to handle a situation.

10. 

Yes, you will screw things up sometimes despite the very best of intentions. No amount of torturing yourself will make you feel better, nor will it help you to make better choices. Remember many of the toughest decisions have no right answer.

11. 

It can also be extra rewarding. Make us extra passionate. And will almost always make life extra interesting. With the challenges come the rewards. Sometimes you have to search your heart for the rewards but they are there if you look for them.

12.  

For those folks who are trying to win a marathon, there are no breaks. If you want to stay in the race, you eat, drink and even pee while running. But our marathon will go on for the foreseeable future and beyond. So remember, you don’t need to win, just make it to the end. The guy who comes in last place in the marathon, he took breaks, he stood and drank some water, grabbed a quick bite and used the porta-john for his business, then got back on the road. Give yourself those moments—however brief—that are for yourself. Goodness, you might even get to pee in peace every now and then.

13. 

Don’t let being the parent of a special needs child create or reshape your identity. We are many things, being the parent to a child with special needs is part of our identity. But it shouldn’t be all of our identity. When you focus all of your life, all of your contacts, all of yourself around your child and their needs, who you are can get lost. Find things in your life you enjoy doing, a glass of wine, a hobby, shopping for yourself.

14. 

Certain things get under my skin, we all have our buzz issues, one of mine is people first language. But if you’re not careful, you can become overly sensitive to so many things that people start to avoid your company. Many colloquialisms like “I almost had a stroke”, or “I nearly had a heart attack” are disconcerting to parents whose children have in fact had a heart attack or a stroke. However try to remember that people are not making these comments to offend or upset you.

15. 

Brag about those accomplishments that might seem small to others but are huge for our kids! Our kids develop on their own clock, they learn many skills late and some they never master. A wiggled toe that couldn’t wiggle before, a word, a sentence, a smile, a hug, whatever that milestone may be, share it with those who love you and your child.

16. 

I know how hard it is to hear from parents that their child six months younger than yours is walking and yours isn’t. Or dealing with the well meaning stranger who asks why your 2-year-old is scooting around on their butt rather than being up on their feet. Try to remember that these people lack the context that we are constantly embedded in. Explain, teach, be patient, raise awareness amongst those who just don’t get it. And remember, typical parents deserve the right to brag too and their pride at their child’s accomplishments is not meant as a knock to your amazing kiddo.

17. 

This is another challenging one folks, but worth the work. All kids are different, typical, or with extra challenges and they will grow and develop at their own pace. If a developmental milestone isn’t met as you think it should be, certainly talk to your child’s doctor. Comparing, siblings, cousins, kids in the daycare class, or even comparing kids within the same disability type rarely serves to make you feel better. Your child is unique, and will have their own individual strengths and challenges.

18. 

You know the one who clearly spent 10 hours creating the amazing snack shaped like an animal with licorice whiskers. The one who sends adorable treat bags for every holiday. The one who finds the coolest gifts for the teachers every year. And whose child is always dressed in the cutest outfits that somehow never get dirty. If that’s the mom you are led to be, more power to you! However, I have found that there are always enough of those mom’s in my kid’s classes to keep them in cute snacks and treat bags. Since I have bigger fish to fry, I let them have all the glory!

19. 

Marriage is hard work, period. Parenting is hard work, period. Parenting a child with special needs, is especially hard work, period! For those of you who are married or in a relationship, make time for that relationship away from your children.

20. 

You know your children best. Doctors, teachers, therapists are all fantastic resources but if you don’t feel like you’re being heard, or your child’s needs are being met, it’s very reasonable to get a second opinion. Don’t be afraid to fight for your child and their needs. While the professionals are experts in their areas, you are the expert on your child.

Reference: Dr. Darla Clayton, PsyD, The Mobility Resource