Recently, I saw a funny meme about the multiple benefits of coconut oil. It said: "Frizzy hair? Coconut oil. No shaving cream? Coconut oil. Dry skin? Coconut oil. Bad credit? Coconut oil. Boyfriend acting up? Coconut oil."

When it comes to parenting, we have our own magical coconut oil. It's called: special time.

Child having multiple meltdowns a day? Special time. Child whining incessantly? Special time. Child repeatedly antagonizing his sibling? Special time. Jeans too tight? Special time. Don't know what to make for dinner? Special time.

Okay fine. Special time won't exactly get you into a smaller pair of jeans, but I'm convinced it's the antidote to most parenting-related issues.

The term "snowplow parent" is creeping into our feeds and conversations, and like its predecessor, "helicopter parent" the phrase paints an unflattering portrait of the type of parents it tries to define.

The phrase has been floating around the internet for years but was popularized by writers Claire Cain Miller and Jonah Engel Bromwichba, who, in a New York Times article, defined snowplow parents as "machines chugging ahead, clearing any obstacles in their child's path to success, so they don't have to encounter failure, frustration or lost opportunities."

All of us want our children to be happy, successful and have opportunities, but the college admissions scandal involving actors Felicity Huffman and Lori Loughlin showed what can happen when so-called snowplow parents take things too far.

Most of us don't have $500,000 to spend clearing an effortless path to college for our children, but plowing obstacles out of their childhoods can cost us even more. When we take all the hard bits out of the road to adulthood, our kids have no idea what to do once they arrive.

If we do everything for our kids, we rob them of the resiliency that children develop when they overcome obstacles, and of the important life skills they develop when they pick themselves up after a fall and pick up more responsibilities. And we also rob ourselves of a future in which we're not parenting an adult.

A poll by The New York Times and Morning Consult found that three-quarters of parents with children between 18 and 28 are doing things like reminding kids of deadlines at college and making appointments for their haircuts and doctors visits. A shocking 11% said they would contact their child's employer if they had a problem at work.

Most of us do not want to be booking haircuts for a 20-year-old or calling our child's boss when they're old enough to vote and legally drink. Instead of vilifying snowplow parents (most of whom likely had the best intentions) let's learn some lessons from them so that we can raise a generation that grows up ready for #adulting.

Here are five lessons we can learn from snowplow parents:

1. We need to let our kids fail so that they can overcome

It is hard to see our children disappointed, hurt or sad when a choice they made backfires, but as one mama, Tunde Wackman, once wrote for Motherly, "I have to remind myself that consequences are gifts in disguise, though, not a dereliction of my motherly 'duty' to protect my children from challenges."

If we pick up the blocks when they tumble, or correct their homework before they hand it in, or rush home to grab the book report they forgot, our kids don't have the opportunity to learn from their mistakes, and more importantly, they lose an opportunity to learn that they can bounce back from one.

2. We need to say 'no' to our kids and let them feel their feelings

It can be hard to look at your crying child and tell them "no" knowing that a "yes" would protect them from feeling bad, but sometimes we've got to let them feel their emotions, even when it is hard.

"If we never take off the bubble wrap and rarely say no, our children may become incapable of tolerating or managing the inconveniences of life—they'll demand instant gratification and, over time, develop impulse control issues," Ilene S. Cohen, Ph.D., a psychotherapist, previously wrote for Motherly.

According to Cohen, "Research shows that children who have been overly protected from their own emotions lack a sense of agency over their own lives and are more prone to develop unfulfilling relationships in the future."

When our child breaks their toy or drops their ice cream, rushing to buy a new one can numb the pain temporarily, but letting them feel the disappointment or frustration and teaching them that it is okay to feel that way also teaches them that these are feelings that they have the power to overcome.

3. We need to praise effort as much as results

Our children need to know that trying is important. We need to praise our children for doing things that are hard and tell them often that they can do hard things. This promotes a growth mindset, where kids know their abilities and skills aren't fixed and can grow with practice, and helps kids feel confident in their ability to overcome challenges. When a child is praised for not giving up, they're more likely to keep going when times get tough.

4. We need to give our children increasing levels of responsibility

When it comes to household chores, like making the bed or loading this dishwasher, sometimes it feels like it would be more efficient if we just did it ourselves rather than letting a 3-year-old try, but we have to let them try. Even very young kids are capable of taking on small responsibilities, and it's so much easier to start when they're three than when they're 22.

5. We need to get our kids thinking proactively

As Dr. Laura Markham previously wrote for Motherly, it's not enough to tell our children to do something, we've got to train them to be thinking about what they need to do. "For instance, to the dallying child in the morning, instead of barking 'Brush your teeth! Is your backpack packed? Don't forget your lunch!' you could ask, 'What's the next thing you need to do to get ready for school?' The goal is to keep them focused on their list, morning after morning until they internalize it and begin managing their own morning tasks," Markham writes.

If we don't want to be calling a college senior to remind them their essay is due, we should stop reminding our children about their responsibilities and instead ask them which one comes next.

source: by Heather Marcoux

Is your child’s behavior baffling you? It can be difficult to understand what is motivating a child’s poor behavior. In this article, I’m continuing the discussion of Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs work on his four goals of misbehavior. He was a psychiatrist who founded and was the medical director of the Community Child Guidance Center in Chicago. Dreikurs was influenced by social psychologist Alfred Adler who believed that the central motivation of all humans is to belong and be accepted by others. He believed that all behavior was purposeful and directed toward achieving social approval. Dreikurs suggested that all misbehavior is eh result of a child’s mistaken assumption about how to find a place and gain status.

Following is an overview of the last two of Dreikurs’ four goals of misbehavior along with my own suggestions on how to deal with each one.

Goal three: Revenge

I think author Kylie Rymanowicz said it best: “Revenge is a dish best served cold and sometimes it’s served in a sippy cup.” When a child feels hurt, they may lash out and try to hurt you. That’s because they don’t yet have the maturity or the tools to deal with such difficult emotions. This kind of behavior is perhaps the most difficult to see through. When a child is exhibiting revenge-seeking behavior, it’s easy to see him as bad rather than as a hurting child. Only when we see past the behavior to the hurt can we truly help stop this kind of behavior. Resist the urge to retaliate or punish because this only adds to the pain.

To deal with and thwart this kind of behavior, it’s important to establish boundaries. Helping children to understand and stay within the boundaries we set makes them feel safe and secure – like the yellow lines on the road. Without those yellow lines, driving would be scary. Without boundaries, life is scary. Boundaries are necessary; it’s the way we enforce those boundaries that determine whether we are being positive parents. Make sure the boundaries are fair and age-appropriate, and hold them lovingly, providing empathy and understanding when children get upset about the rules. Talk about the importance of respectful communication and discuss what is appropriate and respectful and what isn’t.

Become your child’s emotion coach. Help them understand and name their emotions, and talk about ways to work through those emotions. This is both a skill and a developmental milestone. Very young children cannot be expected to control their emotions consistently because they do not yet have the cognitive resources to do so, but we can still talk about emotions to set the foundation for them to build upon as they grow.

Next, replace punishment with problem-solving to give your child the skills needed to make amends and move forward. Ask questions like “what caused you to do this,” “what could you have done differently,” and “how are you going to fix this?” It’s easy to dole out a punishment and make them “serve time,” but to really raise responsible people, we have to give them responsibility, and that includes the responsibility to correct their own mistakes.

Finally, work on strengthening your relationship with that child. A positive, healthy relationship is so important in a child’s life, and yet we so often use discipline techniques and tricks that harm the relationship and sew distrust. When you show up as a loving, positive leader, you’ll foster a trusting relationship that will help you lead your child down the right path.

Goal four: Display of inadequacy.

This type of behavior shows up when the child has given up. They may feel unworthy or inferior, and their behavior often looks like withdrawal, self-criticism, and a negative attitude. This kind of behavior is exasperating for parents who want to see our children happy, confident, and successful.

Stop all criticism. Critical words diminish the child’s sense of self and break confidence. Criticism is one of the “four horsemen” according to the work of Dr. John Gottman; these are four relationship destroyers. Criticism is especially harmful to sensitive children and children whose love language is words of affirmation. Of course, parents aren’t perfect just as our children aren’t perfect, so if you speak hurtful criticism to your child and see the light dim in their eyes a bit, simply apologize and get on with soul-building encouragement.

Be your child’s light reflector. Think about this. The people in our lives who look past our faults and see our beauty, the ones who still see the light in us during the times we feel only darkness, those are the people who save us from the depths of blackness. Those are the ones who help us see our own beauty and light again. We all need that person - someone who reflects our light back at us so we can see it, too. That's what a parent should be. That’s what it means to become light reflectors. We should always seek to see our child’s light, to hold it sacred, and to show it to them when they need a glimpse.

Finally, when you see behaviors that are a display of inadequacy, focus on and encourage your child’s positive attempts and behaviors, no matter how small. Offer encouraging words daily. Try these 50 positive affirmations for kids.

Look for part one of this series where I discuss Dr. Dreikurs’ first two goals of misbehavior, attention and power.

Sources:

The Social Discipline Model of Rudolf Dreikurs

Four Goals of Misbehavior Chart