For the first time, I sat on the other side of the conference table. My 4-year-old daughter's teacher apologized for placing her cell phone visibly on the table as it started counting down. 11:59, 11:58, 11:57. She was trying desperately to stick to an almost impossible schedule.

I had 12 minutes to hear everything about my daughter's classroom experience—her academic performance, behavior, frustrations, challenges, goals, as well as flip through a binder of her work that probably took her teacher way more than 12 minutes to prepare.

As a special education teacher, I have conducted many parent-teacher conferences, so I'm very familiar with one-on-one time with parents. After almost nine years, I've figured out how to get the best out of this short period of time.

The most important thing to remember during a parent-teacher conference is NOT to feel timed—which is hard to do with a clock counting down before your eyes and the buzzing of parents gathering by the door waiting for their turn. But even though you only have a few minutes, this should not be the only chance to communicate with teachers. If it feels like is, the conference is a great time to fix that.

Here are five ways to get the most out of a parent-teacher conference:

1. Be a good listener.

In most cases, the teacher should have prepared some information to share with you. It's okay to just listen and not feel pressured to interrupt with questions. If you decide to share anecdotes, make sure they are short and to the point—don't waste time on frivolous topics.

2. Come prepared with at least three questions.

You may have specific questions already. If not, consider asking questions about how your child interacts or plays with her peers or how they participate in classroom activities. Some examples:

• Does he ask questions or wait to be called on?
• Does she transition well between activities?
• Does he have difficulty working independently?

The “terrible twos” are coming.

You’re in trouble now!

Just wait until she’s a threenager.

Oh please, that’s a breeze compared to my middle schooler.

They’ll walk all over you if you let them!

He’s just trying to see what he can get by with.

She’ll keep pushing boundaries just to push your buttons!

We are, in fact, smothered with messages about how we must get a handle on our children or there will be hell to pay for years to come. Our culture is constantly feeding us negative ideas about children. When they are infants, we see them as blessings and gifts. We are quick to gush over newborn babies as “innocent” and “sweet,” but just wait a few months and the messages begin to change. We are constantly told about how they will manipulate us, test our authority, push our buttons, and see what they can get away with. With the dire warnings come loads of advice telling us the best way to control our little tyrants – so they don’t control us.

It’s no wonder, then, that we learn to assign negative intent to our children’s behavior. The clamor of the world drowns out the whispers of our hearts, and we end up viewing our children less as gifts and more as mischief to be managed. You may begin seeing our child’s motives as negative (to gain control, to manipulate, to challenge) and when you see negative intent, this triggers negative reactions. You become angry, embarrassed, frustrated, or frightened, and in that triggered state, you become reactive. You may even justify making your child feel bad through your “discipline” because, in your mind, you are doing it to make her a better person in the long run. So, you scold her wrongdoings and highlight her character flaws in the process. Unfortunately, when our children see the “badness” that we see, they may come to themselves that way, too. But they don’t just see their behavior as bad, but often they see themselves as bad. If that works its way into a child’s self-concept, you’ll see the “bad” behaviors repeated again and again.

If, on the other hand, you choose to see positive intent, then you can see that she’s a good person who needs guidance on this issue. You’ll see more than the behavior; you’ll see the heart and soul of the human being exhibiting it. Though you still correct the behavior, you can now approach her with a different tone and attitude, changing your language so that you reflect her light.

Negative intent: You think, She’s a sneaky little liar! You say, “You liar! I see the juice stains on your mouth! Mason was honest. Why wouldn’t you just be honest with me? I’m very disappointed in you. It’s wrong to lie.”

“Liar” is not a label you want to stick. If a child thinks she’s a liar, she’ll be a liar. Then if she gets punished for being a liar, she’ll become a sneaky liar. Self-fulfilling prophesy! You just created what you feared. Remember, our behaviors reflect what we believe about ourselves.

Positive intent: You think, She doesn’t want to get in trouble or disappoint me. You say, “Hmm. I see cherry red lips. I value your honesty. Were you drinking juice and it accidentally spilled? Sometimes I spill things by accident. No big deal. We just need to clean it up. Come help me.”

Doesn’t the tone feel much different in the second scenario? The first one probably leaves Mia feeling like a terrible person. In the second example, she may feel a bit of guilt for spilling the juice or even for fibbing, but she doesn’t get shamed or berated. She cleans up her mess, and you move on.

How can you assign positive intent to bad behavior? The difference is in being mindful of the thoughts that arise when you see “bad” behavior. It is your thoughts about what is driving your child that will determine how you feel and, as a result, respond to the issue. Let’s look at how the intent you perceive determines the actions you take.

A child hits his brother.

Negative intent: He is a naughty child trying to hurt his sibling.

Action: Believing he is acting maliciously will likely incite anger, or at least frustration, in you. This could cause your tone to be sharp. You might verbalize your thoughts, calling him “mean” or “naughty,” and you’ll likely feel he needs some sort of punishment.

The child learns: He is bad or mean. His parent is mad at him. He may believe his brother is favored.

Positive intent: He is needing attention or direction and asking for it in an immature way, as children do. He doesn’t have the words to express his needs.

Action: Because you see that his aggression is a signal for help, you aren’t moved to anger. You are able to address his action calmly. You view him as an immature child needing guidance rather than a mean child needing punishment, so guidance is what you give. You bring him onto your lap and tell him that you won’t allow him to hit and that you will help him calm down. You might look through a book or practice counting to ten while taking big breaths. You’ll then tell him two or three things he can do when he’s upset, practice them, and then as him how to repair the relationship with his brother.

The child learns: Hitting is not an acceptable release of anger. His parent is on his side. How better to handle anger. How to apologize and repair relationships. Emotional intelligence.

A child hits his brother.

Negative intent: He is a naughty child trying to hurt his sibling.

Action: Believing he is acting maliciously will likely incite anger, or at least frustration, in you. This could cause your tone to be sharp. You might verbalize your thoughts, calling him “mean” or “naughty,” and you’ll likely feel he needs some sort of punishment.

The child learns: He is bad or mean. His parent is mad at him. He may believe his brother is favored.

Positive intent: He is needing attention or direction and asking for it in an immature way, as children do. He doesn’t have the words to express his needs.

Action: Because you see that his aggression is a signal for help, you aren’t moved to anger. You are able to address his action calmly. You view him as an immature child needing guidance rather than a mean child needing punishment, so guidance is what you give. You bring him onto your lap and tell him that you won’t allow him to hit and that you will help him calm down. You might look through a book or practice counting to ten while taking big breaths. You’ll then tell him two or three things he can do when he’s upset, practice them, and then as him how to repair the relationship with his brother.

The child learns: Hitting is not an acceptable release of anger. His parent is on his side. How better to handle anger. How to apologize and repair relationships. Emotional intelligence.

source: creativechild

When our children spend so much of the day away from us at school, the moments we do have together are precious. But, they don't always feel precious in the whirlwind of getting ready and out the door each day. Sometimes it seems like no matter how much time we allot, it is never enough. After all, who can predict that last week's favorite train shirt would lead to a full-on toddler meltdown during your morning routine for school?

Here are a few things you can do to help your child have an easier morning routine when going back to school:

1. Talk it through

Choose a low-stress time, such as while riding in the car or eating a snack together, and talk through the morning routine with your child. Ask them what needs to happen in the morning before they go to school. Prompt with tasks they might forget, like brushing teeth or putting on shoes. Walk through all of the steps a few times so they have a good idea of what is coming.

While your child will inevitably still need reminders, this will give them a solid understanding of what needs to happen each day.

2. Make a picture chart

After you've talked through everything, make a picture chart for your child depicting the sequence of their morning routine. Take a picture representing each step—one of the potty, one of their toothbrush, one of their clothes laid out, etc. Or, have fun drawing the pictures together instead!

A picture chart provides even young children a resource, other than you, to consult when they're unsure of what to do next.

It can also be helpful if your child gets off track. Remind them to check their picture chart to see what comes next. This is more empowering than simply telling them exactly what to do, which is more likely to instigate a power struggle.

If your child is older, help them write a list, or draw their own pictures of what needs to happen in the morning and post it somewhere they will see it each morning, like by the bedside table.

3. Have your child pack their own lunch

Depending on your schedule, it is likely better to do this the night before, but encouraging your child to pack their own lunch helps them take ownership of their school day.

Worried their lunch will consist of nothing but crackers and grapes? Make a simple rule such as one protein, one grain, one fruit, and one vegetable. Help them think of options in each category.

If they're older, brainstorm what they would like in each category before you go to the grocery store. Anything you can do to help them feel like they have a say in the process will help the morning go more smoothly.

4. Offer limited clothing choices

Allowing children to choose their own clothes is wonderful, but it can be quite time-consuming in the morning. Lay out two options for your young child to choose from. Always put them in the same place, such as a small shelf in their closet, so they will know where to look in the morning.

For an older child, encourage them to lay out their own clothes the night before so they won't have to decide when they're still half asleep in the morning.

5. Allow a natural consequence

When the planning and picture charts don't work, try allowing a natural consequence to take place instead of nagging and repeating yourself. It may be a little unpleasant, but it will also be effective, and will likely only need to happen once.

Are they taking too long to get out of bed? There will be no time for eating pancakes together, they'll have to settle for a granola bar in the car.

Are they refusing to get dressed? They will have to bring his clothes with him and arrive at school in jammies.

These are not punishments, they are simply things that logically happen when the routine isn't followed.

6. Build in time for togetherness

One reason that children stall in the morning is that they want you to help them because they need that time together. Build in a few minutes of togetherness before asking your child to get themself ready each morning.

It may seem like you don't have 5-10 minutes to spare, but this will likely save you time as your child will have gotten the bonding time they need and be less likely to resist the rest of the morning.

For an older child, encourage them to lay out their own clothes the night before so they won't have to decide when they're still half asleep in the morning.

5. Allow a natural consequence

When the planning and picture charts don't work, try allowing a natural consequence to take place instead of nagging and repeating yourself. It may be a little unpleasant, but it will also be effective, and will likely only need to happen once.

Are they taking too long to get out of bed? There will be no time for eating pancakes together, they'll have to settle for a granola bar in the car.

Are they refusing to get dressed? They will have to bring his clothes with him and arrive at school in jammies.

These are not punishments, they are simply things that logically happen when the routine isn't followed.

6. Build in time for togetherness

One reason that children stall in the morning is that they want you to help them because they need that time together. Build in a few minutes of togetherness before asking your child to get themself ready each morning.

It may seem like you don't have 5-10 minutes to spare, but this will likely save you time as your child will have gotten the bonding time they need and be less likely to resist the rest of the morning.

source: mother.ly